by JD Doughty
posted May 22 2015 5:28PM
23-year-old Cory Lee Shinkman of St. Petersburg, Florida was in the kitchen with his cousin last week, and according to the police report, Cory, quote, "did not agree with the way she was cooking hard boiled eggs." So . . . he ATTACKED her. He shoved her out of the back door of the house and pushed her against a dresser. We're not sure why they had a dresser in the backyard. But, you know, Florida. He was arrested and he's facing a felony battery charge.
It's going to take some BRILLIANT detectives to crack a case with this little to go on. The police in New Haven, Connecticut are trying to track down a burglar, and all they know is . . . his first name is Bob. A woman was sleeping around 2:30 A.M. on Monday when a guy broke into her apartment. She woke up, saw him in the hallway, and asked who he was. He replied, "Bob" . . . then took off running empty-handed. The police say no one living there knew Bob. Even though he didn't steal anything, they're still trying to track him down to arrest him for burglary. I feel like they're going to fail.
posted May 20 2015 5:23PM
How do you know your city is hardcore? When the mere mention of it is a WEAPON. A guy from St. Louis was visiting Seattle last week . . . he's only been identified as "West." And a mugger with a gun walked up to him at a bus station and demanded his cash. So West told the guy he was from St. Louis, then said, quote, "If you wanna rob me, I ain't got nothing. If you decide to do this, we're gonna go heads up," meaning "we're going to fight." And apparently, dropping the St. Louis bomb was enough to scare the guy off, even though he had a gun and West was only armed with his words. Police are still trying to find the guy.
A 15-year-old went into a store in Dortmund, Germany last week with a ski mask covering his face and a gun in his hand. Then he demanded all the money in the cash register. But the clerk sized him up and apparently wasn't afraid of the gun. So he decided to fight back using the only thing he had within arm's reach: LOLLIPOPS. The clerk started pelting the kid with lollipops, and it WORKED . . . he ran off. It turns out that before he went into the store, he'd pulled up the ski mask, right in front of a security camera. So the cops used the footage to identify him, and were able to track him down and arrest him.
posted May 5 2015 5:24PM
True confessions time. There are two things you should know about me: first, and this shouldn't come as much of a surprise, but I am a hat enthusiast. The reson why isn't a huge mystery. I hate getting haircuts. I can't be bothered to cut my hair regularly so as a result it usually looks like a hideous bird's nest that the birds have long since abandoned and left to be condemned. So the easiest and most humane thing to do is just cover it up.
The second thing is that I spend a lot of time on the website Buzzfeed. For the uninitiated, Buzzfeed follows and reports on trends, news, memes, and pop culture. And they have quizzes. I love the quizzes. I just took one, in fact It was called: Which Member of "The Girlie Show" Writers Room are you? This is in reference to the TV show 30 Rock
, one of my favorite sitcoms of all time and certainly the best thing Alec Bladwin has done since Beetlejuice
. You can take the quiz here
My results were
You got: Frank Rossitano
How weird is that? It's like they know me!! And it's nice to get a little recognition vis a vis my hat game. Cheers.